GROUPIES.

The vernacular. What is and what isn't.
Common misconceptions, misunderstandings, and misuses of terms.
Let's set the record straight shall we?

By Laurie Lehner


It drives me nuts when people confuse these terms and their meanings so I thought I'd take this opportunity of supreme boredom, joblessness, and solitude to define them, once and for all. So here's the truth... According to me...

Fan.
You know the hits, you buy the music, you go to shows. You show your support for the artist(s) with your money, your time, your ears and your heart.

True Fan.
The above applies, plus- You've got all the unreleased shit, you're in the fan club, you stand in line for tickets. You accept the music and the artist(s) into your life. You wear the t-shirts, you understand the music they make and believe in what they're doing in the world, you care about the band as if they are your secret friends. They are.

Die-hard Fan.
All of the above, plus- You go above and beyond to express your love for and to the artist(s). You make signs for the concerts, you run like hell to get a good spot in general admission, you go to as many shows as your financial scenario will allow and then some. You befriend other fans of the band solely based on the fact that you've got that in common and forge some real and genuine friendships with those folks. You promote the artist(s) to non-fans, you get a band-related tattoo, you make your favorite tune your wedding song. Most likely you've been a fan for years and years. You do anything and everything you can to feel as connected to them as possible at all times. And you do whatever's necessary to bestow yourself with the full experience, whatever that means to you. If you have to wait for hours in the rain to see the tour buses speed by, and that's what fills your heart with joy, you'll do it.

Superfan.
All of the above AND the band knows who you are, digs your devotion and when your paths cross, as they might, they respect you for being you. You're a cool chick or dude and someone the band, band member or rockstar has become accustomed to seeing at the gigs or posing for a quick pic with from time to time. You exchange a kind word, they know your name, remember details from your previous exchanges and they enjoy making your acquaintance. You may even be a comforting sight, valuable opinion and/or something of a lighthouse for them in the dark and stormy seas of a fast-paced business within their whirlwind lifestyle.

Fair-weather fan.
You "love" your favorite band until they make an album you don't like, play a set you don't like, release a song you don't like. You'll find a grievance about ticketing, seating, touring, things beyond the band's knowledge or control and find a message board on a fan site to bitch about it. Odds are this has less to do with them and more to do with you as a person and your tendencies toward spewing your dissatisfaction when things don't 'go your way'. As in every kind of relationship, sometimes it's beautiful and sometimes its a shitstorm. You're either in or you're out.

Crazy fan.
There's an element of negativity or malice involved. You "want" something from them you think you are entitled to or they aren't even aware they "owe" you. Attention usually. They can spot you from a mile away. And so can their security. Just be cool, alright?

😝Fan girl/boy.
You're annoying about it. You chase the artist(s) around like a dog after a firetruck. Your over-the-top obsession is juvenile and only other fan girls/boys can even tolerate to be around you. If you come within earshot of the artist(s) or closer you scream, ask stupid questions, and quote band stats to them. ("Remember that solo you played on 9/18/02?!?" They don't.) You've got no finesse and don't know how to behave around someone who excites you. This is most often confused for and referred to as "groupie" by the layman, which couldn't be more inaccurate or insulting to the true groupie. Read on.

Backstage sneaker.
You are a fast talker and either literally sneak or swindle your way in behind the scenes. You're not afraid to ask for what you want directly, which does inspire the likelihood of your achieving it. You've got to be a little pushy, but likable, to be successful here. Your actions are a bit risky but the reward is high so you're willing to take the risk. The skill here is directly proportional to how famous the band is, as it becomes increasingly difficult to do on the large scale. Only a certain type of personality can pull this off, let alone repeatedly. (I, personally, find this most objectively impressive as I do not have what it takes.)

⚠Celeb Hanger-On. (Vibe Sucker)
Somehow you get backstage. Either you 'know' someone on the show (acquaintance or removed family relation to band, crew, management, or venue worker) or someone you know does and you nagged them until they gave you the extra pass just so you'd shut up about it. This is not to say that anyone who fits the criteria is a hanger-on. (Scoring a sweet ticket and a backstage pass doesn't make you a vibe-sucker. I don't mean to imply that I would begrudge anyone their 15 minutes with their favorite celebrity just because they are a casual guest.) This term refers specifically to someone who doesn't particularly give a crap WHO they get to hang with, as long as the 'who' in question is famous. It's thrilling for most everyone, myself included, to encounter a random celebrity. People who are famous themselves even enjoy it, because, let's face it, everyone is a fan of someone. And most everyone gets a kick out of seeing someone in real life that has only been viewed on film or in a magazine. But in this case there is a 'distance' involved. Some degrees of separation. You're not exactly, unwelcome, but there's no good reason for you to be there either. And you know it. You're only around because shamelessly trying to befriend a famous person in general, regardless of who they are or if you're even a fan, makes you feel cooler than you feel by consorting with the regular folk. You later name-drop and brag about your experience with good fortune to anyone who will listen. You add nothing to the scenario per se. You just suck all the awesome out of everyone cool and talented in the room as if you can harness it within yourself. You cannot.

Stalker.
You. Are. Dangerous. Your obsession has crossed over into psychosis. You've created some kind of scenario in your head with the artist that doesn't, has never and will never exist. You're lurking around every corner and can't see that your warped view of the rockstar/fan relationship is not reality. You try to communicate with the artist(s) and if you are in any way successful at that, what you communicate is very confusing because they don't know what you're talking about. You try to force the fiction you've manifested therefore frightening the artist(s) and causing them to retreat and keep you as far away as possible. You are completely out of touch with reality and cannot be trusted.

Star-Fucker
Seemingly self explanatory, perhaps not. In my opinion, this term relies more on your headspace than your body. There is a great divide between the glitzy glamour facade of 'the rockstar' and 'regular ol' you'. And YOU'RE the one who puts it there. The star recognizes that they themselves are just a person, but you do not. They may enjoy how you view them and there can be a mutual, albeit shallow, gain. But in the end, you're only mind-fucking yourself.

Slut.
Music or no music. Band or no band. Rockstar or no rockstar. Sluts are sluts. Period. You hand out sexual favors to the crew in exchange for tickets or passes. Might as well be a handful of dollars. You're a prostitute. No one values you as a person or respects you in the slightest. You are used, passed around, thrown away like a used tissue and ridiculed after you've gone. Get off your knees, girl. You're better than that.

Wife/Girlfriend.
Not a Groupie. At any given time you are either one, the other, or neither. You could perhaps be a 'former' groupie, ("I'll tell you where wives come from. They come from the third row." -Willie Nelson) And in that case; Congratulations! You've broken through the elusive forcefield. It's not an easy task. I'm envious of you and it's probably well-deserved. But most likely you're just a girl who met a boy when the boy had a dream which you supported and you are the only one since deemed worthy to be entrusted with the queen's scepter. You've been around since the tour bus was a smelly old broken-down van and you were one of the original *muses (*see muse). You may even be the mother of the rockstar children. You're livin' the good life on all surface fronts. Beware of groupies.

Groupie.
You love the band and the band loves you back. Its a flat out lovefest. You are the chosen one and receive extra special treatment from the band and crew. They appreciate YOU specifically being there, as your presence brings an element that no one else's does. Being a true groupie is a skill that cannot be learned or taught. It's an indefinable quality you possess which flows freely and is blatantly apparent to everyone who shares a room with you. You are magic. You are, within yourself, something of a celebrity and somehow harness what that is without necessarily possessing the creative skill of those whom you admire. However, many groupies are quite talented artistically and otherwise in their own right. You are the promoters, the truly successful rabble-rousers, cheerleaders, and crowd-pleasers. You are the dancers, the singers, the optimists, the spirited, the free-flowing flower children, the joy rakers and the love makers. You are the psychics, mediums, the clairvoyent, the gypsies, the nomads. The ringleaders, the acrobats, the firedancers, the freakshow, the whole damn wild, wonderful, colorful circus. You are musicians, poets, writers, journalists, artists, and human time capsules who become the moments of rock and roll and meaningful art and music you experience in the unique way you are able to. And you see it as an honor, as something to be respected, not abused and you recognize the remarkable blessing bestowed upon you  There might be more of a discreet interaction between the two parties, band and groupie, or there might not be. Either way, you are given the opportunity to be 'around' and you know how to be cool about it. You are INVITED (without asking or trying, see *Backstage Sneaker) into the show, backstage, to private parties, to the hotel, on the tour bus. You forge genuine friendships and relationships with the artists and crew. While you idolize the band and may be in awe of their talent and lifestyle, you are naturally somehow, perhaps inexplicably, a part of it. You slide right into the pre-existing atmosphere but also bring something unique and interesting with you to the table. There is a MUTUAL admiration between you and the band. I can't stress that enough. You are intrigued by what they do and they are intrigued by what you do. If the affection is one-sided, I'm sorry to tell you, but you are a fan. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) BEING A GROUPIE DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THERE IS SEX INVOLVED. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't. Just like real life. But unlike real life, there exists a fairytale land no one knows about, through a door no one can see, to which, you hold the key. If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. And you are a groupie.

❗Supergroupie.⭐

My gosh, you've been flying around the music scene, shining your light and shaking your ass with so many top acts for so long they gave you a big, red cape! Your stellar reputation precedes you. You walk into a show and people you've never met know who you are. You command the scene with your mere presence and eyes are on you just as much as they are on the guys on stage. You are a powerhouse of mystique with a side of awesomesauce. You are, in a word, LEGENDARY. Go on, girl.

Band-Aid.
A term, I *believe coined by Cameron Crowe for the 2000 film Almost Famous. I've used it in reference to myself when I'm in a situation where the term 'groupie' is or will most certainly be misunderstood and I only have the time, will or energy to explain what it isn't by comparison as opposed to what it is. I don't love it, but I don't hate it. It's a synthetic term for a word who's name has been dragged through the mud by envious on-lookers, the 1980's, and those claiming or mistakenly perceived by others to be groupies but who are actually just sluts or fan-girls. Back in the days of rock n' roll, bands were called 'groups'. A girl who got to hang around with the groups were called 'groupies'. It's as simple as that, kids. Referring to a 'fan' as a 'groupie', then or now, is merely an exaggeration meant to portray, and mildly poke fun at, the depth of said fan's devotion to their favorite group by either an on-looker or the fan themselves. The real life and times of the true groupie is sacred and such a mystery, such an anomaly that, over time, the hyperbole has replaced the definition.

💓Muse.
Your personal relationship with the artist has reached such a height that you inspire any number of varied emotions within them which in turn is reflected in the unique way they express themselves. (All artistic mediums apply.) The most common of these emotions being lust, longing, even love. If the artist of your affection loves you, they are as enamored as you are with them by all that you are and write their songs, music and/or lyrics for you, to you, about you, in your honor or with you in mind. You inspire and therefore have become a part of the music you love. It is THE HIGHEST honor.

And there you have it. The terms of the trade clearly defined and officially stated by yours, truly. Hope you enjoyed reading it. I certainly enjoyed writing it.

Loveyoubye.
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